The Sunrise that Almost Wasn’t

This birthday seems strange.

It’s the first that I can remember that I don’t feel like celebrating.

I sent texts to my friends & family essentially cancelling my birthday.

I scheduled a therapy session and this is where I landed.

For almost a year I’ve lived my life in the moment with no thought of the future.

I wasn’t careless, but intentional and incredibly calculated.

I spoke truth boldly and when needed gently.

I sat in silence and felt the peace of contentment.

I embraced the loud, deep laughter of friends and family.

I basked in the love I’ve been privileged to experience and gave belonging and love freely to others.

I accepted the apologies never given and forgave the unspoken transgressions.

I allowed my faith to propel me forward and my prayers and praise to be the heart beat of each day.

I relaxed some boundaries as they were stifling my happiness and not protecting what I thought needed to be protected.

I let go of expectations and optics and freely welcomed the messiness of life and embraced the unknown rhythms of each day.

I forgave myself for the days I felt like going back to old because it was familiar.

I welcomed the tears because they were the release of my pain.

I discovered the gentleness and nurturing nature of who I am even in the uncomfortable moments.

I grew to love each sunrise because for over a year the possibility of each new day was growing smaller and smaller.

I became thankful for the annoyances of life and honored that I get to do the day to day with my people.

This birthday is strange because it was one that I wasn’t sure I would live to see.

This birthday is a regular day because the beauty of celebrating life has been the rhythm that I acknowledge every single day.

So, although this is a sunrise I didn’t think I would see, it is a sunrise that I will bask in differently.

I will pause with gratitude that I get to experience it.

I will welcome the warmth of a summer day with no complaints.

I will embrace the fullness of love from my people.

I will eat ALL the carbs with happiness & joy!

I will dream big dreams for the next 365 days.

I will show up with joy and grace in every situation even if the comfort of my home and bed are more exciting.

But most importantly, I will speak loudly, boldly, and confidently about my God.

The Savior who spared my life on countless occasions.

The Savior who showed me mercy when I chose wrong.

The Savior who gave grace freely when I just didn’t get it right, & ensured that love was present at every step of the way.

So thank you dear reader, for being the hands & feet of Jesus when encouragement, laughter, accountability, and love was needed to get me here.

Im walking into year 34 with an open heart, big dreams, bottomless love & endless gratitude!