Full transparency, I work with teenagers and I love it, yet I’m insanely terrified of children.
The type of fear that when people ask when I’m going to start a family I breakout in hives!
Now, you are probably thinking, in order for them to get to the age that I love, I need to embrace where they begin on their journey.
If you would have presented that argument to me anytime prior to today I would say something cheeky, laugh, and quickly change the subject.
Yet, at this current juncture of life I’m learning a lot about both myself and the never ending journey of life.
Although I may not fully accept the dynamics of how I got to the ’here & now’, I can’t ignore them either.
And, if I learned nothing else about fears, rational or irrational, it is that the more we speak of them the less room they take up.
Consequently, giving room for life giving words to take root and creating space for hope and peace!
During the past week, I did something that I don’t typically do.
I was honest about my emotional feelings, without being asked!!!
(Cue the Beyonce Coachella experience for celebration)
This week I was on a roller coaster of emotions and I hit my wall of defeat.
I remember picking up the phone and calling a friend saying:
“I have feelings, lots of them! I feel like crying, eating my unknown weight in Oreos, and being hugged!”
To which she replied ever so calmly and gently:
”Wow, I can’t imagine why you feel this way! It’s not as though your divorce was just finalized, or as though your liver isn’t making you look 6 months pregnant, or as though you are in a variety of other transitions in COVID America! What could possibly be causing you to feel overwhelmed?”
I froze for a few moments with nothing witty to say in response and just reflected.
I pressed play on all of the uncomfortable experiences, memories, and feelings that transpired over the past several months and took a huge sigh of relief.
In that brief moment it became abundantly clear that I had given my fears both, rational and irrational, permanent residence where peace once resided.
Peace was replaced by fear.
Hope replaced by doubt.
Clarity replaced by uncertainty.
Community replaced by isolation.
Wholeness replaced by brokenness.
Confidence replaced by insignificance.
And, as you can imagine the list goes on.
So this weekend I'm taking time to evict the thoughts, feelings, and insanely ridiculous fear filled questions from their homes and welcoming new tenants of peace, life giving words, and hope filled dreams!
The thought of children still give me hives but I think that’s just because Im not ok with sharing my fruit snacks, fruits cups, or Oreos.
But, small steps of growth will hopefully get me there one day.
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