It was 11:30pm on the night before I press go and I have words that need to be shared.
The past 3 months, I’ve been home bound.
Moving ever so cautiously and precisely from coicu, to recliner, to bed, and repeating the cycle day in and day out ready to be back among the people.
And it’s finally here.
Mere hours before I put real people clothes back on, do my hair, and flirt with the idea of putting on lipstick or lip balm, I had a confession to make:
I’m nervous!!
I’ve said it, well written it, confessed it to my inner circle and sat in the messy chair that is all my feelings at once.
You see over the past few months, which sounds weird to say, my heart has been mended, my soul repaired, and my life restored, literally.
I’ve rested and sat in the slow mundane space of healing.
I’ve tried and failed to rush through the hard of doing the deep grueling work of allowing my heart to be repaired.
I’ve stumbled through the dark and hallow halls of pain knowing as much as I wanted to rest in my own sadness, joy was on the other side if I kept pushing forward.
I’ve found safety and security in relationships that I had once kept at an arms length.
I’ve looked death in the face and wasn’t scared by the sting that she offered.
But today, all of that becomes a chapter in my story and not my entire story.
You see, this entire time I thought the conclusion would be my transplant.
Boy was I wrong.
Like, big wrong!!
As I anxiously type these words so many thoughts and feelings are swirling through my mind.
I’m comforted to know that I’m not the author of my story, just the words that you are reading.
Act 4, brought about healing both physically and emotionally.
This entire time what I thought was a one woman show most definitely was not.
It turned out to have a brilliant orchestra, glorious choir, and a Director who was writing all of the things.
So although I’m pressing go on my return to the world, I’m emerging from this season someone new.
I’ve found healing for my fractured heart, and it’s been stitched together with bits and pieces of pain to allow me to remember to show compassion and love to those who have and will sit where I had once taken up space.
I’ve found courage and bravery that I didn’t know was inside of me to lend to those who need it, just like my tribe and community has done for me over the past couple of years.
I’ve found rest for my soul that was running on fumes, that had been pouring from an empty cup, to help others know that rest and peace can exist for them as well!
I’ve found a new depth to my faith that has transformed the way in which I see the beautiful movements of grace, mercy, and love of my Creator!
I’ve been restored!
I’ve been repurposed!
I’ve been healed!
So I’ll done my crazy patterns, colors for days, and step into this new season, one foot in front of the other!
I’m not sure where I’m headed, or what my role is, but I’ll be kind, loving, and grateful to all those I encounter while I figure it out!
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