Favorites, we all have them.
Now, we pretend as though everything is equal but truth be told thats not the case, and that’s ok.
I will be the first to admit, that I have favorites!
Favorite students, memories, stories, parents (this one is tricky because even as a grown woman, I know I’m my dad’s favorite but it’s a secret we keep from my 3 siblings...) movies, tv shows, preachers, restaurants, and the list goes on.
With the sheer volume of people that I encounter as I continue to navigate the ever changing world of an organ transplant, I have a favorite doctor.
Westra.
He is my longest standing relationship outside of my best friends and family members that I’m not annoyed by.
For years I was never able to articulate why, this man, whom I see every 3-6 months ranked high in the circle of trust.
Yes, he does know what all of my organs and insides look like, which when I write it out is odd.
But, here we are...
Over the past few weeks I’ve been tested, poked, prodded, admitted to the hospital, almost accidentally operated on and experienced moments that I could have done without.
All of this resulted in a typical, routine, follow up appointment just to make sure I was still upright and breathing.
Yet, for some reason, I woke up that morning with an anxiousness that I have never experienced before.
I sent a couple of text messages to close friends just simply saying:
“I have some anxiety and I’m not sure why. It’s a routine appointment.“
They offered encouraging words, possible direction to my feelings, and even a voicemail of prayer.
I check-in, say my regular hellos, and have a seat.
I‘m waiting patiently to be seen, kicking my legs back and forth, humming along to the soundtrack of my life.
In walks Westra, and we fumble through our typical greeting, I breathe deep, and answer the routine questions casually and in a very nonchalant manner.
He makes one statement, that could not be measured by any chart, which gave words to my anxiety.
"You are always so calm and don't complain about what you go through which is refreshing. But things are going to start getting worse and at times it may happen fast. So now our mission is to be prepared as best as possible emotionally because the waves are coming! But, on the positive side, the way you make sure your clothes match and your hair is always done is a step in the right direction of making sure you, your needs, and emotions are a priority!"
And there it was...
Clarity and a place for my anxiety to live.
The past few months have been a complete roller coaster, of emotions.
Navigating the nuances of my limitations, my needs, and emotional well being is a ride that has never been my favorite.
In fact, until last week, I never had a moment where I was tired.
Not tired physically, because we all know that naps are one of my favorite pastimes.
But, for the first time in my life, I had feelings that I’m having a hard time articulating and assigning a place to.
Those moments are definitely not my favorite, by a long shot!
But, that moment and statement placed a perspective on a situation that I have typically just bopped my way through giving not a single thought.
In this moment, the music stopped, words became limited in quantity and I recognized that I have feelings.
Now, one of my favorite things is to express my feelings.
Often times in a dramatic, extravagant, and sarcastic flare that causes my friends to ask:
“Why are you like this?”
We then engage in a quick back and forth banter and our conversation generally moves in a different direction.
However, in this moment, these feelings are different.
Feelings of wanting to travel, outside of my limited 3hr radius.
Feelings of having an infinite supply of energy to invest in ALL the feelings, ALL of the time.
Feelings of not being able to celebrate the love of friends overseas.
Feelings of the uncomfortable manner because of the weight of the feelings of others.
Feelings of not knowing how to pack a go bag (although it now has socks, and hair products, but is missing underwear and lotion).
Feelings of the strongest kind at the opinions of others attempting, yet failing, to masquerade as concern and empathy.
Feelings of gratitude for the spaces that I can exist and just be present with no expectations.
Feelings of love that carbs, specifically pizza, are still being crafted by angels on earth!
Feelings of concern that those who I cheer on may experience a small moment in time where I can’t cheer the loudest.
In the most humble of manners, this is one thing that I am exceptional with! Celebrating and loving on my people in a way they need with every high and low!
Feelings of uncertainty of whether to cut my hair now or later.
Because, well, hair over food, even the most precious of carbs!
But, one feeling that is consistent and stable through the waves of all other feelings is that it has already been worked out!
The outcome, details, and peace that washes over all of it is confidently secured in my faith!
Faith, that my Heavenly Father, whom I most certainly know I am a favorite of, took care of it already.
And, that feeling, is one that blankets all other feelings, even those of anxiety, like the comfort of a 80lb weighted blanket!
Favorites, have their place and their purpose
They create a confidence and security that is unmatched, and for that I welcome the exclusivity that favoritism provides.
It can be the deciding factor of success, and we need to have wins, regardless of size to celebrate!
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