For the past few days I have been overcome with emotions.
It has been a roller coaster of feelings, thoughts, and ultimately questions.
Questions that no matter how many times they are asked never receive an honest answer.
So, what happens when the painful journey that you are walking leaves you with no words?
A journey that leaves you questioning every thing that you ever thought and knew and mostly felt.
A journey that causes you to second guess every decision, thought, and step that has been taken up to this point.
I have been crying out (in a metaphorical sense) for something to grasp and to hold on to.
Looking for something to whisper in the small corner of my soul-that I am not crazy, wrong, and ultimately that I am going to be ok.
With each reach, with each step, and deep breath, I’m hopnig and praying that it comes but it is always just out of my grasp.
So while I don’t have the right words to express my feelings or the myriad of thoughts constantly racing through my mind or the moments of pain that slowly cruises through my veins.
I do know that regardless, the ultimate goal and destination is one of healing and forgiveness.
The embarrassment, shame, and guilt are not mine to carry, to feel, or to embrace.
The broken pieces are not mine to pick up.
It is not my job to lay them on the table and try to piece everything back together like a 1,000 piece puzzle.
My job is to sit and receive the support of the village and the love that surrounds me.
My job is to dance, celebrate, and rejoice that I am still standing.
My job is to, while I look to find the right words that will be the final turn of the key to freedom-write the words of my destination on the wall.
They will be written to jump from the walls and consume me like the most comforting blanket.
Although they are hard to say, hard to believe, and hard to trust, I know deep down in the smallest corner of my soul that they are true.
So until I am ready to speak them out loud, I will let them scream loud enough for me.
Because, even in their meaning, they will lead me to my ultimate destination of being ok and embracing the lessons learned and the love received along the way.
Writing has always been a way for me to express myself, my thoughts, my ideas, and most importantly, a way to find healing through the various twists and turns that life has to offer.
So, I will gladly pick up a pen, marker, or paint brush and mark up the places that will always be reminders of who I am, and who I was always created to be!
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