You Are Whole

For those that know me well, they know that there is a short list of kids who I absolutely adore.

I love a good game of hide and seek in the dark in their parents living room, taking them out and giving them all the sugar or buying extremely loud and obnoxious toys just because.

They are also the same ones that know that I spent roughly 3 years (prior to being married), and some time after I said “I Do” mourning, processing and talking through my inability to have children.

As you can imagine this is something that is very personal and an instant conversation killer when asked by friends, family or coworkers “When do you plan on having a family?”

My typical response is either something along the lines of “I have finally found the perfect combination between fluffy and curvy, so why mess with perfection?”

Or, I’ll take a quick jab at their lives in the area of something that I wonder why they haven’t taken action to achieve via combing their hair, wearing matching clothes or making better life choices overall.

This question is like picking at a wound that has healed and causing it to fester all over again, except this time all of the emotions are felt at once. Mourning the fact that my body has failed me and prevents me from being able to get pregnant and birth a child.

I spent the better part of the past several years mourning the loss of something that never even happened or never would happen. Of wondering outloud to my therapist and God as to how life could continue to be harsh and cruel.

I mourn with the woman who has lost a child or who is unable to conceive.

The woman who generations of women before them have made remarks about their lack of being a woman because they are not able to do something that a large portion of women are able to do.

This next part is specifically for you:

You are still a woman in-spite of your body not working the way that society says that it should work.

You are strong for the grace and resilience that you show in the midst of being asked that uncomfortable question with all eyes glued on you.

You are loved by the the friends that you support and encourage as they stumble their way through the early stages of motherhood.

You are beautiful for the way that you waltz into the home of your favorite little ones and love them unconditionally.

You are brave for the way you bring chaos and fun to them on a dreary day, leaving their parents to deal with the aftermath. (This very thing has caused me to have to get approval before buying some of my favorite humans gifts.)

Last but not least-You Are Whole!

You are not less than, damaged, selfish or any other harsh and unpleasant adjectives that are used to describe the absence of little feet running through your house.

I am deeply sorry for the pain that the lack of boundaries that others have has caused surrounding an already sensitive topic.

I see you, for pushing through, for smiling even when you want to cry and for enduring year after year the insult to injury.

You my dear friend, are valued and cherished for all of the lives that you impact and all the babies, children and young adults you love on.